Todays influencers are pro’s at taking basic looks and making them bomb.  And to be honest, I’m here for it.  In todays style world casual can become high fashion with just a few tweaks.  So, let’s talk t-shirts and high fash.  I love a vintage tee, a rocker tee, or a tee with an impactful message.  Here’s three of my favorite ways to wear them:

I never dreamed I would be a business owner.  As a little girl and even as a young woman, my career aspirations always involved serving and helping people.  As I studied, I grew more and more passionate about psychology and in college chose to get my degree in that field and later a masters degree in counseling (by the way - don't be impressed by any of that... I went to college because it was a way to improve my life, not to look good in front of people).

I love peoples' stories, their journeys, and I love getting to be a witness to self growth and the process of becoming.  So, why did I leave that career and open a boutique?  

I guess that's a part of my own process of becoming.  As a counselor in a high school, I worked with so many young women.  Their struggles with one another and in life in general were ones I could connect with.  I had a burning drive to create and build a culture among the girls I  worked with of  kindness, support, and  confidence. I worked with girl after girl on issues that involved girl hate, low self esteem, and and even self harm.  On many days though, I closed my office door behind me feeling defeated.  There were 2 counselors at my school, and 600 students.  The needs were overwhelming and I was spending my days in reactionary mode.  I needed to get in front of the problems.  I needed to lead by example.  I wanted to create something that connected with women, something that had meaning and purpose.  I decided to become the woman I desired for these girls to have in their lives.  I chose to leave a career where I was spinning my wheels, and to pursue another passion within the style industry.  

And here I am today still believing and hoping so strongly in this message.  The message that girls won't stop being mean to each other until we do.  Girls won't believe the best in each other until we do.  Girls won't learn how to respect one another until WE DO.  

Gold+Gray is a platform for that message.  The fashion/beauty industry has a loud voice of influence in the lives of all women and I want to use my little space of it for something good.  

Thank you for being a part of this journey.  Thank you for allowing me to learn and grow with you and to offer what I've already learned.  Thank you for always reminding me WHY I STARTED  🖤

Mom Bod.
It’s the body you’ve earned, not the body you were given.
It’s the body that stretched and grew and ached to create life.
The body that tore and broke to give birth.
The body that fed and rocked and comforted your babies.
It’s the body that you drag out of bed for 5 AM workouts.
The body that craves caffeine and chocolate but thanks you for water and vitamins.
The body that you celebrated love in and grieved heart break in.
It’s the body with scars that houses a heart with scars.
But a body that has astounded you with its strength, potential, and ability to heal.
It’s the body that sometimes you have hated.
But learned to love.  
Love your mom bod for all that she is and will become. 

​

In July 2007 I woke to a phone call that changed our lives forever.

Fast forward to July 2020. This morning when my phone dinged, as I was just about to head out for my run, it was a text from my daughter letting me know she’s been accepted to one of her top colleges.

And in these moments my heart explodes with joy, and sinks with grief.

Sometimes I don’t even recognize what I’m feeling until my feet hit pavement. Today.  Today, I ran long and hard and  I let myself break.  

It’s not fair that the ONE other person who would be as proud of her as I am isn’t here.  

It’s not fair that he’s missed birthdays and recitals and  Casey’s graduation and first dates and boyfriends. 

It’s not fair that Casey is navigating the work force for the first time without the leadership of his dad.  It’s not fair that Lydia doesn’t have a man to tell her she’s beautiful and worthy and amazing.  

It all came pouring out of me this morning, in the form of sweat and tears and my feet pounding the pavement for mile after mile.

A lot of you might read this and think, “it’s been 13 years, time to get over it already.”  Yes - thirteen years of watching our kids reach milestones he’s not here for.  Thirteen fathers days that we visited a grave instead of a threw a party.  Thirteen years since we’ve felt his presence or heard his voice.  And I’m here to tell you that time doesn’t heal a loss like this.  Sometimes… time makes it harder.

But we’ve also experienced thirteen years of watching God show up when the passing time and the heavy absence of the man we loved so much is just too much.  We’ve watched him heal and re-heal our hearts.  Because “healing” isn’t a one time event.  It’s a process of breaking and healing and breaking again and healing again.  I personally have been through thirteen years of becoming closer to a God who, frankly, I don’t get.  And growing in a faith that doesn’t look anything like what the christian devotionals say it should.

And my constant prayer and hope has been 

“beauty for ashes, Lord”.  

“Turn the pain into something good, Lord”  

“Take what was meant to break us and use it to make us stronger, closer, wiser, Lord”

And what I’ve learned is that one of the gifts of a grieving heart is being able to live and find peace somewhere in the middle of the healing and the breaking.  It’s understanding that some questions won’t get answered and some pain will never go away, but believing and trusting in spite of it all is the essence of faith.  

Maybe that’s the Gray.  

A place where it’s ok not to have all the answers, a place to be breaking and healing at the same time.

I go to bed tonight shook from today’s news.


Not because Kobe was such a super star athlete.


Not because everyone knows him.


My heart actually aches for those he leaves behind.


Tomorrow starts a journey his loved ones never asked for or could ever fathom.  And they’ll only learn to navigate it as they actually go through it.  Grief is darkness.  It is confusion.  It is silence and abandonment when you are desperate for help.


There is no manual.   No right way.  Just hold on and let go all at the same  time.


The hardest part of grieving as a mom and wife was that it was the hardest thing I’d ever done and I had to do it without the one person I had grown to lean on and confide in.  The one person I needed to go to for love and comfort, was gone.  It felt like being asked to climb  a giant mountain but my limbs weren’t functioning.


And I had to be a source of strength for my kids, but I had little strength to give on most days.


All the news coverage brings me to a place of so many feelings and so many memories. 


And I just pray.


I pray for God to give strength that only He can give.  And that though this mother’s heart might be broken for a season, that it will be mended and healed and that she will rise from these ashes with strength and wisdom and faith and straight up LOVE like she’s never known.


I was thinking tonight about the strength of a woman.  The mama’s heart that will not surrender to the heartache this world can and does throw at her.  The woman who takes all that was meant to destroy her and her family…and instead surrenders it to God, grows through it, fights  through it,  prays through it, and in the end USES  it to live  more full and alive and awake than ever before.


This is my mission.  And it’s not one and done.  It’s a daily choice to remember my pain,  and to   live on anyway.  To not just survive the loss, but to allow the breaking to produce growth that honors the relationship  and time I spent with the one I lost.


Our days are limited.  People don’t seem to get it.  Even though we get reminders all the time. It’s why I hate gossip and pettiness and drama.  


Life is short.  What are you doing with your time?

​

I’ve never been the type of girl to do things by the book.  In fact, said book doesn’t even exist and not to blow everyone’s cover, but we’re all just winging it anyway.
As a new business owner, I’ve pretty much stayed true to this way of being.  
For example :
I’d rather work as a team with my competition than try to beat them.  
I ask models if it’s ok to post pictures before I post them.  Apparently not common.
I plan a schedule around my family rather than planning my family around my schedule.   
I don’t do drama, gossip, or mean girl bull shit.  
I think people are more important than profit.  
From the perspective of many in the entrepreneur/business world, I probably don’t fit in. But - I’m ok with that.  I feel like the essence of even being an entrepreneur is to think about and do things differently than everyone else.   And, if I’m real honest, I learn best from failure anyway.  
So even if I read “said” book that doesn’t even exist and followed the rules, I still wouldn’t learn or be as successful as I am through the process of trying and failing.
Truth is, 2019 was an uphill battle.  I started this holiday break pretty numb and tired.  I allowed myself to get to the point where I was super burnt out.  After the stress of moving again, a huge set back  with my ex that damaged literally years of growth and healing,  and still adjusting to a new version of  me and new life and the change in my identity, I needed to step away from all things business related for a minute.
And in this quiet space, here’s what I’ve learned. I’m still letting go of the old me.  Figuring out if the counselor in me should remain and if so, how she looks and who she is and how she fits in to my new life.  The sales person I need to be doesn’t exist.  I don’t like how being “sales like” feels and I don’t care enough about money to care.  All I’ve ever wanted to do is make a difference.  I’ve always aspired to make others’ lives better.  And now that I am no longer a school counselor, my challenge is to figure out how to do that as an entrepreneur.  And my challenge is to learn how to do it even though money does not motivate me (because that’s the barometer for success on this side of things).
My starting point :
Asking myself these two questions : 
1 - What do I want to achieve?
2 - How will I know when I’m successful?
These are the two BIG questions I’ll be asking myself as I mediate on and envision the year of 2020.  I’ll develop a plan, but hold it loosely.  Loss taught me that one … and so as I forge forward into a new year that is my objective.  To plan for the upcoming year but to stay open to failure and potential and opportunity and so much more learning.

Sometimes when I run I listen to loud, fast music with more than enough curse words.

Sometimes I listen to the Bible.
Go figure that one out.

As a nine on the enneagram, people can sometimes hear the label “peacemaker” and think that means passive or not assertive.  

But now that I’m 42 years old and have been living with my type nine self for as long as I have, I’ve learned a few things.  I’ve also been studying the enneagram for about two years now and am continually learning about all the styles, especially mine.

Running … Enneagram … Where am I going?
Well here’s what I know.  

The underlying emotion of the NINE is anger (this is also the underlying emotion of some other types).  An unhealthy nine can express this anger passive-aggressively.  Passive meaning it’s not in your face, but it’s still very aggressive.  An unhealthy nine is passive aggressive because she feels and thinks very strongly, but she is unwilling or unable to DECLARE her needs and wants.  

I have learned to recognize my anger, over time, and now try really hard to use it to push me forward to the peace I desire.

Like with running.  I had the best and longest run this morning that I’ve had in a while.  But my life has been super stressful lately and to be honest (although you may not see it written on my face), I’ve been really pissed about it.  I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, I’ve talked to friends — but what to do with that anger?

A healthy NINE is always leaning into her struggle.  Always seeking the greater meaning.  Always in pursuit of DECLARING her wants and needs.

Nines have a sense that all things are connected.  Spiritual + Mental + Physical.  Running allows me to express the anger I’m feeling in a very healthy way.  Physically I benefit, but girl let me tell you mentally and spiritually the benefits are so much greater for me!

The aggressive part of my nine is someone I’m starting to really really like.  I like that she sets boundaries.  I like that she says NO to people and things that aren’t aligning with her belief system.  I like that she runs hard and long.  I like that she is accepting of everyone, but not influenced easily by others.

Because what I will fight really hard for is peace and community and integrity.  I will run hard for it.  I will work hard for it.  I will say no to a lot of shit for it.  And I will say YES to the right shit for it.

Happy running, friends. Or whatever healthy thing you do that helps you heal and grow.

And for real, if you still haven’t taken the REAL enneagram (not a fake test), go do it!! Self awareness is pretty badass ; )